When I was 20 years old, I started to sense a hole inside me. The feeling was utterly concrete, though the result of no medical condition that any of the various doctors I saw could identify. The hole felt like a viscous(黏稠的) emptiness—a paradox(悖论), admittedly, as any real emptiness should have felt like nothing(感觉像什么都没有). This was a nothing, but its nothingness very much felt like something—and something that was growing.(这是一种“无”，但这种“无”却分明感觉像某种“有”——而且还在不断长大。)
20岁那年，我开始感觉到内心有一个洞。这种感觉无比具体，尽管我看过的各位医生都找不出任何医学上的原因。那个洞感觉像一种黏稠的空虚——诚然，这是个悖论，因为任何真正的空虚都应该感觉像什么都没有。这是一种“无”，但这种“无”却分明感觉像某种“有”——而且还在不断长大。
Accompanying this feeling of an expanding hole at the center of me was a sense that I was losing more and more of myself to it, like shoreline eroded by rising waters.(伴随这种中心空洞不断扩大的感觉，我还感到自己越来越多地迷失其中，就像海岸线被上涨的海水侵蚀。) To lose myself felt less like oblivion(遗忘；湮没) than instability. I observed in myself a new susceptibility(敏感性；易受影响) to the opinions of others, and a new recklessness(鲁莽；不顾后果), as if some dark, decisive action might either quiet my doubts about my fundamental worth or end my longing once and for all(一劳永逸地). I recall one particularly dangerous, drunken night that had me well over the legal limit, both aware that I was getting into a car that could kill me and others, and also not believing that any of it mattered.(我记得一个特别危险的醉酒之夜，我远超法定酒精限量，既清楚自己坐进了一辆可能害死自己和他人的车，又不相信这一切有任何意义。)
伴随这种中心空洞不断扩大的感觉，我还感到自己越来越多地迷失其中，就像海岸线被上涨的海水侵蚀。迷失自我对我来说更像是失去稳定，而非彻底遗忘。我发现自己对他人的看法变得异常敏感，并有一种新的鲁莽，仿佛某种黑暗而决绝的行动或许能平息我对自身基本价值的怀疑，或者一劳永逸地终结我的渴望。我记得一个特别危险的醉酒之夜，我远超法定酒精限量，既清楚自己坐进了一辆可能害死自己和他人的车，又不相信这一切有任何意义。
The onset(开始；发作) of my devolving(恶化的；退化的) well-being was strange and sudden, and seemed connected to childhood in some way I couldn’t understand. I hadn’t been a tortured child but rather placid(平静的；温和的), if introverted. My parents always said that I had been easy to keep happy(容易满足). It sometimes seemed to me as if the hole I was experiencing was one where some piece of my childhood had once resided.(有时我觉得，我所体验的那个洞，正是童年某一部分曾经居住过的地方。)
我身心状态开始恶化的过程既奇怪又突然，似乎以某种我无法理解的方式与童年有关。我小时候并不是个受折磨的孩子，反而很平静，虽然内向。父母总说我一直很容易满足。有时我觉得，我所体验的那个洞，正是童年某一部分曾经居住过的地方。
